Anonymous

Recently, a survivor asked me about the importance of remaining anonymous. I was just wondering about that particular conundrum and pondered whether or not to go public. Not being famous, my name would not change my story, and the sexual abuse I suffered did not reach the threshold of scandal to get any real attention from media. Did I really want to be further exposed?

Awareness of my need for control fought my desire to go public. I wrote an open letter and this symbolic action freed me. So, in a brave act of self preservation, I have decided to share my letter stating why I need to go public... but, nevertheless, I remain anonymous.

You may read the letter :

Dear AHO*, 

I remember the day I started working for you, shining like a bride, one of the happiest days of my life. For me, it had been love at first sight: I had fallen in love with you the moment I heard your mission. I made myself a promise to join you one day, and I did. You were my soulmate, the one organisation I wanted to be part of. 

I gave myself to you and to your cause, and this made me truly happy. I was yours completely. I gave up being close to my parents, siblings, friends. I gave up relationships and the potential for family or motherhood. And it was worth it because I was in love, because with you I could protect and assist victims of armed conflict , through you my dream came true.

But I was deeply disappointed and heartbroken, for I saw you failing to your principles. I realised you were not who I thought. You did not protect me and you abandoned me when I most needed your support.

I was neither the first nor the last one to fall in this deception. I am not the only one you have treated this way. It might not be who you want to be, but it is who you are. Against your soul and your values, you break the heart of many who love you, respect you and trust you. 

I have protected your identity by concealing mine but it has become too much of a burden. I need to give my name and my face to my voice. Love is unconditional but the code of love does not include covering up your failures at expenses of my suffering. More importantly, I deserve better than an anonymous story, it is time to gain my own freedom.

I forgive you and I hope you will do better in the future, I’m sure you can. Maybe if we all show courage, and start being honest and outspoken, you can learn from those who you harm. 

Your mission will always be close to my heart and I look forward to feeling proud of you again in the future.

Sincerely,

The Wrong Humanitarian

(*AHO stands for Amazing Humanitarian Organisation)  

In the aftermath of my reporting of sexual abuse, I was trying unsuccessfully to control events and it made me edgy and restless. I discovered that powerlessness constitutes a trigger for trauma.

Understanding how much it hurt me not to be in control guided me to address this aspect of my pain. I could not change the behaviour of those interacting with me, but I could manage my expectations and notice when I was facing uncertainty. 

Writing this letter proved healing — part of the fourfold forgiveness path. Nevertheless, I have decided not to share my name, just my story. Therefore, I have the last word and — although probably it is only in appearance — this time, I am the one in control.