Vulnerability

The situation had gotten worse during the last week. His erratic behaviour had become more extreme and more aggressive. I could sense his hate and frustration in our interactions. His actions to humiliate me in front of the rest of the team and to deprive me of any power my position was supposed to have, had become obvious to me. 

My colleague had been bullying me for a while and I was used to him screaming at me. He was scary from the first moment I saw him, but it was just a gut feeling, hard to define. I had tried to give him a chance and we had been sort of friends at some point. Little by little I became increasingly spooked by him. Once he chased me with an electric razor, threatening to shave my head until I agreed to something he had said; that “joke” almost drove me to tears. He had made sure I always felt like a guest, and not like a permanent member of the house, by not letting me pay for food. He said my money was not welcomed and, on one occasion, when I gave money to the cook, he threatened me with a knife and forced me to take my money back. 

One day a big team was arriving from the capital to stay for two days. The house would be full of people, but on their departure the third member of our household would be leaving with them. I already dreaded having to spend a night alone with him once everybody left. Upon the visitors’ arrival, I decided to confide in one of them. I took advantage of a window of privacy when I drove this particular man to drop his luggage at the guest house. I was nervous. I hardly knew him and he was a deputy, however I gathered strength and told him that I was afraid to stay alone with my colleague in the wake of their departure. 

He turned to me with a look of disbelief, and said in a tone of irritation: “Don’t be ridiculous. He is inoffensive.” 

The next morning I bumped into my immediate superior, another man, who was kind but clearly overwhelmed with operational problems. I asked to have a private conversation concerning my colleague: “Later,” he said. Then I went into a one-to-one meeting with the same boss who had ignored my plea the night before. The incident was not mentioned and, in fact, I was fired. I knew this had nothing to do with our earlier conversation, but was related to a change in the conditions of my current position that I couldn’t accept. I was to leave my office the next day and go to the capital for final meetings before returning to headquarters in Europe. That evening everyone would leave except me and my colleague; I would leave on the morrow.  

I left the meeting feeling unwell and came across my feared colleague. He led me to a small meeting room, closed the door, and tilted his head. “I know what you are saying about me,” he said. “That you are afraid of me.” I gulped and rushed into an apologetic explanation of how I was very stressed, that I had just been fired, and that I was sorry. I think I might have even stuttered as I made up nonsense, my heart racing with panic, unable to deny what I had said to the deputy. My colleague was satisfied with me becoming friendly and docile again. I engaged a defensive strategy: act normal, be friendly, don’t show fear. Later, when my immediate superior asked what it was that I wanted to talk about, I dismissed the whole thing. I couldn’t risk talking to someone else. 

That night things took an unexpected turn. 

For the first time my colleague showed sexual interest in me. In the past he had offered massages — that I had rejected — but I never felt he was attracted to me. He had not hid that he brought women to the house, he was married and he had never flirted with me. 

But on this night, during our evening meal he started to insinuate himself to me. As his behaviour became more pushy and more obvious my panic increased; I was trying to keep things seeming ordinary, trying to look anything but frightened, and trying to normalise what was going on. Then, things got completely out of my control. He started a sexual behaviour (including groping and exhibitionism) that I can’t put down in words. He pretended to be taking care of me in my depressed state, while in fact sexually harassing me; he shamelessly said he was taking care of me in the same way he did with his daughters. 

I woke up the next day not understanding what exactly had happened. I felt ashamed and still was terrified. I saw him in the morning and he acted “normal”; he didn’t mention the night before. 

I left that city, I left that country, and I never saw him or anyone related to this incident again. My dismissal was overridden upon arrival to the capital, and I was offered to stay in the country. I was under shock and requested to go back home; I gave few details to the person in charge in the capital, but I did mention something had happened with my colleague. Once at headquarters, I reported the incident and got sick leave.

My colleague took advantage of my vulnerable state to harm me. But it is capital to understand that vulnerability was created by the context — it didn’t come from within me.

Illustration by Cristina de Middel